The Overly fascinating life of Celia
by PB Headless
Summary: A Crackfic in which Celia angers Vesta, is kicked out of her home and promptly thrown into the lives of serial killer Muffy and just a little too addicted to farm work Claire. Certainly not serious! T for swearing and sex references. Waaaay...
1. Chapter 1

This was my first fan-fiction. No, no! *Drags your cursor away from the x button* I assure you it is a lot of fun and wasn't written when I was 12. It is about a year old now (i think) and was never properly finished, but I hope it gives you a nice break from some of the more ordinary sap this website is leaking!

And with no further comments, I present to you my crackfic, **The overly fascinating life of Celia**

* * *

**Chapter one - Carrots**

Celia toyed with the daisy stalk, curling it between her fingers and tearing off the petals. The morning sun stretched overhead, casting a lazy glow over the turnips. She lay propped up on her elbows amongst them.

"Shouldn't you be working?" Vesta's generous shadow towered over her.

"I guess..." Celia twisted round to face the beast "but all we ever do is stare at the crops anyway."

She knew she had said something wrong at the sight of the huge purple vein pulsing on Vesta's forehead.

"Stare at the crops? STARE AT THE CROPS? Do you know how much good it does?!" She barked, sparing no inch of Celia's face from a coating of spit. Vesta continued by reciting her favourite lecture on the importance of crop staring - "...then the eyes transmit that loving message directly to the core..." - whilst Celia gathered herself in time to escape.

Slipping past the stormy Vesta, who's eyes were helpfully closed as a result of her rage, Celia raced up the path only to bump into Marlin. Celia snarled at him "Get out the way" before pushing past anyway and running onto the bridge. Marlin's small self confidence shrivelled and died like a weed that had just been brutally sprayed with weed killer. Ever since Celia starting wearing shorts, he thinks sadly to himself she's looked so much hotter! She's changed so much.

Vesta, having only just realised Celia had left, pounded the ground (which causesd a nasty earthquake that luckily only killed Galen when he falls into one of the bottomless cracks) and screams after the insolent child.

"YOU'RE FIRED!!" Hearing this, Marlin runs off to cry in the corner.

The goddess pond felt so tranquil, glossy trees lining the mirror bright pond, thick weeds growing in the fertile ground. Celia gingerly inched the ugly brown shoes off her throbbing feet, sighing with relief when she pushed them into the pond. Foot fungus looked almost pretty in the icy cool water.

"Oi! What are you doing?" Celia holds back the groan when she felt another shadow encompass her. The angry, yet somewhat silvery voice of the harvest goddess was heard. Celia allowed her head to fall back to 'gaze' upon the 'beauty' of the Goddess. Instead, she got a bit of a shock.

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!" Celia screamed, lugging her foot fungus out of the water and reeling back in fear. Blotchy red spots had erupted all over the goddess' face. It was a mass of ugly teenage acne, glowing and bleeding oddly.

Suddenly self conscious, the goddess screamed and covered her face. "It was the Witch okay!! Put some kind of stupid spell on my gorgeous face, THAT COW!!". Having got over the initial shock, Celia could almost laugh. The Goddess scowled at her not very well hidden amusement. "Just keep your grotty feet out of my pond okay!? AND DON'T TELL ANYONE!!"

"Sounds to me like this means a lot to you - " an evil grin formed around Celia's features "- we might have to secure a little deal to ensure my mouth stays shut." The goddess gave her a hard stare, before the glare accidentally slipped into the pond were she saw the reflection of her ugly mug.

"Fine, what do you want?" She glowered, sulking. Celia whispered in her ear. The Goddess' face fell to that of a worried mother.

Sadly, due to Marlin's fragile self esteem, no-one is allowed to make carrot jokes any more because he will run off to check the contents of his underwear, no thanks to Celia's little bargaining.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter two - Inner Inn**

Being in the dog house with Vesta, Celia scrounged a few pennies selling puppies on the roadside (if Jack or Claire asks, that feature was taken out of their game version...). This mere 74G was enough to pay for one night in the inner inn. Considering the price, she got a seriously bad deal.

Upon her arrival, a Ruby greeted her with a slurred "You look like your doing well!" followed by some cooking innuendos "You're on fire! Now that's one failed dish i wouldn't mind tasting!". Empty bottles lay shattered around her and a cook book was opened on the cocktail section.

Finally receiving a key, Celia had to find the room by herself so therefore walked in on Rock changing. Twice. Apparently the first time he had put his pyjama trousers on the wrong way round. Said pyjamas were covered in sheep - "I named each all of them! This one's Lumina, this one's Claire..." he pointed at two disturbingly close to his crotch.

Celia's room had a bed, a wardrobe, two windows overlooking the dusky streets at the back of the lodge and 5 dead rats in the corner. A daddy, a mummy and three little baby rats slowly decomposed, giving the room a tasteful green tinge. The bed was enveloped in a thick layer of dust and the curtains looked like they hadn't been open for years. Judging by the corpse hanging just outside the window, there was a reason. Shuddering, Celia closed the curtains and attempted to fall asleep.

Morning heaved past the heavy curtains, creeping through the holes in the side of the building and leaving a corpse shaped shadow splayed across the room. It conveniently was about dawn when Celia finally dropped off to sleep so she was measurably grumpy by the time she walked down for breakfast.

"Celia? What the hell? When did you get here?!" Ruby was slumped over a mug of tea, heavy bags under her eyes and a pot of headache pills within arm's reach.

"Last night, Vesta fired me" Celia grumbled, settling down to her complimentary breakfast, which happened to be a pot noodle.

Ruby sourly replied "You better have paid the full 200g!" and set about reading a crumbling newspaper.

Celia stalled... "Err, 200g, sure!"

The rest of breakfast commenced in silence. Celia thought about where she was going to sleep tomorrow and Ruby thought about Kai - naked.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3 - Jack**

Jack and Claire ran the valley's farm together. By together, i mean they split the land and now ferociously battle to build the better farm. Thomas had tried reasoning with them, but he's a annoying idiot so he didn't get very far. Now, he has to work out which shipment is who's and who earned the most... but he failed GCSE* maths so he often gets it wrong - Not that it matters, the 'looser' demands a recount anyway.

Today, Jack woke up with a smile on his face. He had finally claimed the title 'Farm Baron' and couldn't wait to rub it in Claire's face. It was already eight as Jack had spent most of the night down the mines searching for wonderfuls, so Claire had already set off to work. She had also drawn glasses and a moustache on her sleeping rival's face, but not having a mirror or a bathroom he wouldn't realise any time soon.

He sat in their shared house sipping a cup of Relaxation tea, making sure to pour some in Claire's clothes draw before dumping the cup in the sink. It was unfair she had a change of clothes, the gay overalls Jack was forced to wear looked like they had spent a night sleeping amongst the pigs - well, if the game had pigs. Finally, he strolled outside into the morning sun.

Meanwhile, Celia was sat in her room at the inn. Now the smell of decomposing rats had clung to the only clothes she had. She was thoroughly fed up. She would have vented out the room, if it weren't for the corpse hanging outside the only windows. On closer inspection it looked rather like Vesta's last employee that triggered the hiring of the foot fungus farm girl. Celia decided it was none of her business.

She was just pondering her next move when Jack came in.

"Hello!! How are you, Cei-Cei?" He gave her a confident grin, which was rather stupid considering he hadn't washed the moustache and glasses off his face.

Celia's skin writhed at the mention of that hideous nickname. "Well obviously not, i'm in this crap hole." She glared at him, having lost count of the bullet holes in the roof.

Jack carries on regardless. "I've got your favourite! Picked it up for you in the mines last night!". Celia felt something sharp hit her head. It was a pink diamond.

"What the hell am i supposed to do with this?!" She screamed, all prepared to lob the offending item back. All she really fancied was a large slice of cake, her favourite for binging.

"Nice to see you too!" Jack gave her a cheery wave and left the room. Celia swore under her breath.

Jack turned away from the room and legged it down the stairs to take a deep breath. Christ, he grimaced, what was that awful smell?

* * *

*GCSEs - the English exam board for 15/16 year olds ;)


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4 - Muffy**

Marlin retched a cavernous cough, his insides rattling like all his bones were broken. He had been sent, as Vesta's newest slave, to return Celia's belongings. This proved easier said then done.

First, the rumours following Celia to the inner inn turned up useless. Ruby had no recollection of her ever being there. Second, his pathetic body and poor health was crushed beneath his burden. Snivelling wreck.

As it turns out, Celia sold the diamond to some overweight squatter she found hunched behind a box at the back of the lodge. Using her new found riches she limped to the blue bar with the intention of calling on the help of Muffy. Or at least get very drunk. Marlin must have missed Celia by quite some time, he was too busy staggering round the valley trying to track her down.

Meanwhile, Muffy posed for the mirrors, running her hand coyly across the rim of the hat. She dropped the pose and scowled at her reflection, unimpressed. The droopy hat was like that of a witches, but an unfathomable shade of green. Still, the garish flower and blood stains were gone. She had always like the look of this hat, but now she had it on it was a disappointment. Shame, she was always needing a cute disguise... err, costume for something.

Sighing, she dropped the hat on a stool and climbed down the ladder leading out of her room. Griffin snored softly, curled up next to his guitar with his thumb in his mouth. She tiptoed into the main bar then set about making breakfast. She rather liked the bar in the mornings. The floorboards were dusty and the crisp sunlight inched through the ajar windows.

Muffy was just pouring milk on her honey-o's when Celia walked in. She, frankly, looked a mess. Her dull brown hair had formed a birds nest and her clothes were crumpled. Oh and the smell! It engulfed the room and made Muffy's perfect blond curls stand on end.

"Ewww, girl, What happened to you?" She pinched her nose disapprovingly and hurried round the counter to face Celia.

"Vesta kicked me out, i insulted her staring at crops regime again..." Celia brushed a loose strand of hair out of her face, which was lined with sleep and dirt.

"Again? Celia, I told you to play it safe. Now what are you going to do?" Muffy ushered Celia through to the back, intent upon giving her a shower and a change of clothes.

Celia followed blindly. Her and Muffy had been friends ever since Gustafa was 'mysteriously' found dead. A shiver went up her spine remembering his crumpled body and Muffy's pleased grin. She snapped out of this memory when Muffy threw a towel and some old clothes at her.

"For god's sake get yourself cleaned up. You smell like you slept in a barn all night!" She snapped, dropping down the ladder and returning to her breakfast.

Well, in some ways, that was true...


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 - Reasons why Vesta doesn't own animals.**

The boyish cap and felt tip facial hair were gone, replaced by a head of thick, deep set brown curls and a small pattering of stubble. The dungaree reigns (for want of a better word) swung discarded around his waist, revealing a muscular chest he had hidden underneath an off white shirt. On his shapely shoulder were beads of water, he must have just taken a shower.

It was safe to say, Jack looked unbelievably hot.

Celia felt faint as he stepped closer, struggling to stay concious long enough to absorb his icy blue eyes. She let his hands run slowly down her body. He kissed her neck. Rather enthusiastically. He was licking her neck and her face all over.

"Eww, eww, gross, gerrofffame!" Reality swung into view, along with a pounding headache and a upside-down view of a small beagle. She batted the dog away, suddenly aware it had all been a dream. She didn't recognise where she was, but judging by the pungent array of animal poo it smelt like a stable. The Dog came back even more enthusiastic than before, jumping at her and barking wildly.

"What it is, Buddy?" A familiar voice rattled Celia's head, she felt weak and shattered. "You're right, i bet Jack didn't check on Mr Cloppers today..." Claire spurred off into a incomprehensible grumble about how irresponsible she felt Jack was. She swung into the barn, a thoroughly bruised looking brush clutched in her hand. The bristles were bent back and dirt still clung like a toddler clings to it's mother. This fell to her feet when she saw Celia.

"My God, you're so..." She stuttered. She didn't exactly bothered hiding her shocked expression. "So Ugly! I mean, ugh! That hairstyle is hideous!" Pausing, she remembered herself. "What are you doing in my stable!?" Effortless charm worked well on her gritty blond hair, it went well with the worn dungarees that she practically lived in.

Now this wasn't exactly the confidence boosting talk a girl wants to hear in the morning. She may have had a shower yesterday but a night sleeping with the horse poop soon rendered that pointless. Her hair looked as matted as the animal brush and certainly no cleaner... but still, open to constructive criticism. Clutching her head, she remembered the events of last night...

The bar was quiet yesterday. It may have been the gloomy interior but all the customers looked like pill popping, asylum-bound, critically depressed drunks. Cobwebs hung from the wooden beams and the floorboards were thick with dust. You could trace the already clouding footprints to their owners, who slumped over the counter looking permanently sick. One of these was Grant, who peered into his drink as though hoping for it to grow legs and dance a jig. Stress hung about him, clinging to his rapidly ageing face and greying hair. No-one dared break his concentration, mostly because no-one wanted to hear about his ex-wife again.

Muffy, however, took it all in her stride. She paced the length of the counter, living in her "work" act. This basically meant a huge fake smile to match her fake boobs. She flirted shamelessly, a master of prevaricate speaking. It worked a charm on the lonely saps who spent their evenings stewing over a drink.

Celia remembered the scene clearly, because most of the evening was spent like that. Then there was drink after drink and aimless wandering about the valley. She must have finally collapsed in the midst of her steal a horse and trample Vesta plan. Come to think of it, it was a silly plan. Vesta would just eat it.

"So why are you here?!" Claire finished her rant and glared at Celia, who could only think that Claires' disgusted face looked just like a teacher that was used to getting wound up all the time.

"Because I was going to steal your horse." Celia admittedly didn't think over that line.

Claire rushed over to the sleepy animal, wrapping an arm about the horses' chestnut coloured neck. "Mr Cloppers?" her voice went strangely high pitched as she 'protected' the bored looking animal.

"Yes, Mr Cloppers." Celia matched the expression of said Mr Cloppers. "I was planning to run over Vesta using him."

Claire frowned, unaware she was stroking Mr Cloppers. "Wouldn't she just eat him?"

Celia raised an eyebrow "That's true..." she paused and also began stroking the horse. She had always liked the idea of animals. "Good thing I didn't successfully steal him, eh?"


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6 - oops**

Muffy yawned openly, stretching her arms wide and absorbing the beautiful sunlight. She opened her eyes. And screamed.

"Hey gorgeous." Jack gave her a toothy smile. He didn't have a shirt on.

"What the hell?! What happened?! Oh my god!" She pulled the covers over herself and generally freaked out.

Meanwhile, Claire and Celia had been farming. There had been difficulties - "Wow you actually water the crops? Vesta just stares at hers!" - But they made a pretty good team. They had just finished collecting eggs when they heard a scream.

"Jesus, what was that?!" Claire didn't bother consoling the spooked chickens. Celia had dropped the basket containing the eggs and was now hoping Claire wouldn't notice the broken one. They ran back to the farm house and threw open the door.

The scream had belonged to Jack, who was backed up against the kitchen counter, fear etched in his eyes. Celia would like to note that the real Jack looked pretty terrible topless compared to her dream.

Muffy was advancing slowly, a savage looking blade clasped in her brandished hand. The only thing to take away from the terror of the situation was the fact she was also desperately trying to keep a duvet wrapped around her. She was completely steady. Even when the door flung open to reveal Claire and Celia she didn't move a muscle. Neither did Jack, but he didn't really have much choice.

"Muffy..." Celia attempted a calm tone "put the knife down. We don't want a repeat of the hippy incident, do we?"

Muffy glowered at her; Jack wasn't smart enough to see it as an opportunity to get away. Claire was strangely quiet, staring at the blade curiously.

"I'm going to kill him Celia, the perv raped me!" Muffy glared accusingly at the cowering farmer.

"Now hold on there, you were very willing!" Jack gasped.

"How dare you!" Muffy shot back, giving him a steely glare. Okay, but I was drunk! He shouldn't have taken advantage of me! She kept that thought to herself.

"Now hold on." Claire spoke for the first time. "What makes you think you'll get away with it?"

This caught Muffy off guard. "Well... I got away with Gustafa didn't I?"

"That was only because I vouched saying it was an accident!" Celia yelped.

Claire was taken aback. "You killed Gustafa?"

"Oh crap now she knows! Why bother saving my ass if you are just gonna tell everybody anyway?!" Muffy yelled in anguish, still keeping the knife steady somehow.

"You named names!" Celia shot back. They bickered back and forth whilst Claire was lost in thought again.

"So am I off the hook now?" Jack was inching round the side of the counter.

"NO!" All three girls yelled at him.

Celia had a change of heart "Muffy, just stab him, he deserves it!"

"If Jack dies... I get the farm to myself" Claire announced disbelievingly.

"Now hold on!" Jack gasped.

"Well I guess it's a majority vote!" Muffy grinned triumphantly. "Bye bye farm boy!"


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7 - The River**

The sky was a dusky gold, strewed with the setting sun's warming rays as the day retreated into night. Combined with the rhythmic trickle of the river and the silent hush of the valley the evening was peaceful, despite the day's misadventures.

The three girls were sat on the bridge just east of the little village. They were all silent, stewing their individual thoughts.

On the side nearest the village was Celia. Heavy bags hung on her greying face and she looked as frail as an old spinster. She sat with her legs crossed, picking absent mindedly at the skin around her nails as she thought about her argument with Vesta and the things she missed back at the farm. Marlin had finally dropped off her stuff and managed a few feeble steps before he had to be carried to the doctors. Surprisingly, he was very light.

On the other side nearing Vesta's farm was Muffy. Her immaculate legs hung over the side of the bridge, shoes and socks long forgotten. She rested her head in her arms, gazing out over the water and thing about Jack. And Gustafa. And Grant. Grant merely because she figured it would save everyone from his tedious moaning and may even favour his snotty daughter. Her face was tear stricken and her eyes were red and puffy - she had had a 'omg what have i done?' moment and had been hypersensitive all day.

In the middle was Claire, battered by a hard day's work rejoining the two halves of her farm. Her farm! She still got a rush when she thought about it. It was torturous work though, her hands were blistered from the tools and she was blue in the face. There were still a million things left to do and her mind refused to allow her to forget them.

It was, of course, when all the girls looked frankly their worst, that Skye made an appearance. He strolled through the fast disappearing sunset, hands shoved in his pocked he turned over the necklace once again. It was a silver locket, heart shaped and of the finest craftsmanship. Lumina had fine taste in jewellery, so Skye often 'dropped by' to pick up a few pieces. He smiled confidently, safe in the knowledge that only he knew it was full of his sperm.

He happened upon the trio on his way to the windmills further east of the valley. He would have continued as carelessly as his evening stroll except he had tried to rob two of them and the third was the love of his life. Claire! How beautiful she is! He felt fluttery at the mere mention.

"h-h-h-hi, Claire!!" He finally spewed out, rather shakily.

The distraction wasn't welcome, but Claire felt obliged not to brush him off. She had flirted with all the boys until they were madly in love with her, simply so she could leave them to slowly boil in their deep affection whilst she ran off with another one. She enjoyed her lobsters well cooked.

"Hey Skye" She smiled briefly, remembering the tedious late nights she had had to endure to 'cook' him. She knew of his thievery and considered it the most pathetic of all crimes. More a child stealing a denied sweet than, say, nurder. Still, she held u the conversation.

"I-I'm glad I found you because - " Sky's voice speeded up into a babble "I wanted to give you something! Err..." He ransacked his pockets until he finally gripped the locket in his clammy hands. "Here! For you!"

Claire looked over the locket in his outstretched hand, slightly bemused. She hadn't expected to make a profit from her flirting! "Err... thankyou Sky. I appriciate it." She felt she should put it on, but preferred to slip it into the pocket of her jeans.

Skye smiled Score! He gloated in his head. The other two girls scanned his face, confused. Noticing this he turned on them and flashed them his best smile. "Don't spoil those pretty faces with jealously, ladies, there's plenty of me to go around!" He winked, using his favourite lines. "Gotta Jet!" He ran off without chase - no-one could be bothered to go all angry mob on him.

"It's getting late, we should go home." Celia warned, staring back into the night. It was getting warmer, Summer was on its way fast.

Claire turned back towards the river and made an agreeing noise.

"One thing though," Muffy was staring into the river with more interest than the other two liked "I would really like to cool off in the river..."

"Are you suggesting skinny dipping?" Claire asked incredulously.

"Eww, no! I can just fetch our swimming costumes!" Celia squinted into the river thinking of all the potential danger they could get in.

"She said it, not me!" Muffy bickered, sourly swinging her legs onto the bridge and retrieving her shoes. "I was just thinking out loud. It is getting warmer, after all"

Celia considered the icy rapids below. "I do need a wash" She found herself admitting.

They looked into the water below and found themselves considering the idea.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8 - Claire remembers**

_1 week later_

"Sometimes i really wish I had just drowned him." Muffy scowled as she scrubbed hard at the bloodstains in the carpet. "I mean, no mess, no blood..." she trailed off as she squeezed on yet more stain remover. She had agreed to help out on the farm after Claire had a bit of a stress-related breakdown.

"What's done is done, it's too late now." Celia replied irritably. She was in the kitchen, cooking. At first she had tried to help Claire with the farm but she was soon brushed aside and called incompetent. Things had to be done Claires' way.

Muffy tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and glowered at the stain, chewing her lip. She looked up as she heard Claire coming out of the basement, feet thumping on the thin planks of the steps.

"Hey, tea done yet?" Claire strolled over to the kitchen. She reached over to steal a carrot but Celia slapped her hand away. "Fine then" Claire frowned and collapsed in a chair, exhausted.

"Nearly ready..." Celia turned the heat down on the cooker, as the mountain stew was boiling over. She clattered around with bowls and started serving up.

Muffy took a final glance at the stubborn stain, muttering death threats under her breath. Convinced it was the stains' fault she shoved the stain remover back on the shelf and joined Claire at the table.

"There we are..." Her tounge inched over to her top lip as Celia concentrated on not spilling the meal. She gingerly inched over to the table. Pleased she hadn't spilled any, she placed the bowls on the table and went back for drinks. "Is everyone okay with relaxation tea? It's all we've got." Celia looked into the fridge, not surprised by the many hot drinks sitting there. It may be a fridge but they were always at the right temperature. The others grunted, so she took that as a yes.

Claire watched Celia bring over the tea impatiently. She didn't care much for it, tea was more Jack's thing. It was typical he had left his stupid tea, rather than instructions to his complicated crop system. Just like him to be so useless she thought as her stomach complained unhappily. She was starving.

They ate to the sound of each other's slurping. Claire wolfed down the stew in seconds flat, falling back in her chair and groaning with pleasure. As she started on the tea, she tried to remember what got him into drinking the girly drink.

"Oh my god." She gasped and bit her lip, suddenly recalling the story behind the tea obsession. "We should probably tell Jack's wife he's dead."


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter nine - Oh for Goddess' sake!**

"So your telling me," Celia's brown hair flapped as she scurried along, still digesting the information "That Jack was married to the Harvest Goddess all this time?"

"For the millionth and fifth time, yes!" Claire panted, following as best she could. When Celia is on a roll you'd need Mr Cloppers to keep up. "She stays in her pond 'cause she has to keep looking after the valley or something -" Claire was interrupted by a loud sob from Muffy, who, since hearing, was convinced her days where numbered. " - I always assumed it was cover up... he had foul B.O. problems."

The girls were on their way to the goddess pond, intent upon sorting out this mess. Or at least, Claire was. Muffy wanted to clear her incredibly not worth clearing name and Celia felt she should go along because the others were. Moral support and... well, no cable.

Muffy wailed again. "Oh i'm so screwed! She'll have my head on a stick! She'll know i killed him!" She sobbed again, considering her fate. Snot ran down her face and she had even managed to tear out some hair whilst grieving. You can't blame her really, Jack cheated on the harvest goddess with her.

"She'll like our gift! It'll be fine!" Claire tried to keep a optimistic outlook, but she couldn't help but think of the unsettling amount of power the goddess had, especially over the farm she had spent the best part of a week remodelling.

Celia frowned. "Yeah, about that," They neared the bend in the path that fed into the area around the pond. "What exactly is our gift?"

Claire panicked. She hadn't thought about that. In a scramble she rummaged through the contents of her pocket. Her hand seized a familiar silver chain.

The Goddess surveyed the girl's faces. She had the upper hand in the situation and enjoyed the feeling of being powerful. Okay, more powerful than normal. She waited patiently for an explanation, the silence was only painful to them.

In one hand, she held a peach, juicy and ripe as she clamped the skin in the vice of her perfect teeth. In the other was Skye's locket. A thin trickle of sperm had escaped, and it was that snail trail the girls were meant to be explaining.

"I honestly didn't know he... spermed it all up!" The Hickey farm girl shifted uncomfortably. At this point she had hoped to get the real reason why they were there over and done with but no, Skye just had to ruin things.

The Goddess waited out the moment a little longer, trying to hide how much she wanted to laugh. Finally, she rolled the half eaten peach out of her hand into the very depths of her pond.

"Anyway. What do you want?" She spread on the guilt thick, they were the toast to her marmalade. "I haven't got all day. In fact" she rose up proudly, "i have a spa appointment arranged." laying it on like they inconvenienced her was her favourite tactic. "So if you don't mind -"

"Wait!" Yelled Muffy, clearly worried the the Goddess what going to leave. In truth, she was curious. The locket was an expensive make and they obviously were trying to butter her up a bit.

Celia exchanged glances with her friends. Now or never... "We've got to tell you something." Despite the seriousness of the situation, Celia couldn't help but notice all that was left of the spot mask the Goddess was sporting before was a fat red shiner on the side of her nose.

"... Well?" HG put on her best 'what do they want now' tone.

"Jack's dead." Claire bottled up whatever confidence she had and used it all in those two words.

This stubbed the Harvest Goddess. Her mouth fell open as the image of her husband crawled into her mind. "Don't joke about such things!" She scowled.

"We're not joking." This was Celia, the one who put her nasty foot fungus into the Goddess' watery home. Her input was not appreciated.

"It's not funny!" The Goddess tried to push the image of her husband out of her mind. "Why should i believe you! He's not even 30!" Murder hadn't crossed her mind. In fact, it had entered and stamped all over it.

Claire couldn't help it, "Pfft, Come on, his birthday would be real soon."

The Goddess started to loose her cool "Why are you lying to me!? I bet you get a real kick out of it." She snarled at them.

"Look, We are not joking!! Just believe us!!" Muffy gestured wildly, she had little patience.

"Why should I?" The Goddess said finally.

Claire and Celia looked at each other. They had been expecting tears and endless explanations but apparently they had to go through a lie detector before the waterworks sprung a leak.

Muffy, however, did not share in their shock. She gave that wicked smile that strikes fear into the hearts of even the most manly man (well it would if the valley had any of those), and reached into the basket.

"'Cause i have proof." She lifted what should have been tissues into the sunlight. The other three gasped.

Celia ran and puked all over Murrey, who happened to be sleeping behind the sprite tree. Claire simply covered her face in her hands, moaning.

Jack's severed head winked in the sunlight, blood still oozing from the opened veins. Muffy held it by a mass of muddy hair. It was clear that despite her deadly secret passion for football she was never short of balls.

"Oh for God's sake Muffy, i thought we said to be subtle!" Claire was blinded by rage, no longer caring about the stunned goddess who had just started to weep into her hands. "We wouldn't be in this mess if you hadn't killed him in the first place!!"

The Goddess' tear stricken face rose slowly from her hands. "What?" She demanded, undergoing a fresh wave of fury.

"I said," Claire mistook her and upped her volume ", We wouldn't be in this mess if you, MUFFY, hadn't killed him!!"

Muffy's fears shook her. She leaned towards Claire and said in a small voice. "Um, Claire, I'm pretty sure she heard you."

* * *

And there it ends. I'm very sorry about that! Actually, that is a lie. There was a chapter 10, which was posted on Ushi, but lost in the archives and now can only be found on my notepad file.

It was completely unrelated to the rest of the story, but did contain a fun wedding scene for Celia and Rock (the best punishment ever) There are also the scarce notes of chapter 11, which involves Dr Trent riding a motorbike. But It is so sketchy, so effectivly the story ends here.

I'd like to say a thankyou to all the wonderful people on Ushi, who not only helped with my game but supported me throughout this fanfic!

I hope you enjoyed it! Comments would be lovely ;)

Bye!


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